Frantic dashes to make up for lost time, OMG did she just roll over? What am I thinking? Why am I so angry?
Before I go any further, I should say, I was warned. I was warned, but I thought I was stronger than postpartum depression. (Which is horribly named) This depression has less to do with the baby or hormones and has everything to do with the fact that this precious bundle of joy is here, exhausting us to the point of no return and magnifying the glaring inadequacies of our lives we have done so well to paste together until now.
Enter stage right…a huge pile of mail, my husband’s impending trek back to work, and the end of maternity leave staring me baldly in the face. Everything seems like too much.
The whole world should be stopping to mourn the fact that I won’t be with my daughter! I am devastated and can’t figure out why no one else sees this as the greatest issues on earth. Screw global warming.
While this is deeply personal, I feel it is too important not to share, and I do so with some embarrassment.
I lost my mind yesterday because I can’t do it all. At one point, feeling laundry was more important than just holding my little girl, I laid her on the bed and began to put clothes away. In the blink of an eye, she went back to belly and I almost missed all of this because I was so angry and consumed with what I “had” to do.
A month ago I went to my doctor, overwhelmed, scared, discouraged. I had decided to talk to her about meds for depression. I have worked in mental health, I believe medical professionals and that meds can help. I also believe they are over prescribed, so I was tentative in my discussion with her.
She went ahead and wrote a script but as she did stated that she “didn’t suppose this would dope my baby up too much.”
1 month later, I haven’t filled the script. I have tried meditation. I have tried convincing myself I can do what has to be done and let the other things go.
I don’t want to dope my baby up.
But I also don’t want to miss my daughter’s firsts because I am too afraid of what someone might think.